i am
thinking of the next thing i have to buy
to own
because
i do not own enough things
and if i
own more things
then i am better inside
and i am
eating bright fake sushi in a
strip mall
in fairfield
and i begin to dangerously
think about
how i feel
and i am able to easily divert that
as i am
comfortably safely distracted familiar
by the sports programs
flickering on
the large flatscreen tvs
and i realize
i need a larger flatscreen tv
and you are talking to me
and i am multitasking
and watching hockey recaps
and looking at flat screen tvs on my iphone
and listening to you say something about sushi
and my body may be
exhausted
but luckily i am fueled by
19.7 ounces of
assorted starbucks fluids
and i am sitting in a strip mall sushi place in fairfield
and i am getting a great deal on a 47 inch flatscreen with money that is virtual
and you are saying something about how you feel
and luckily i am not listening but instead watching baseball highlights
and crunching on crunchy fairfield dynamite roll fantastic
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
juicestained
she is
a hot candle
flickering
in this
cold, windy air
she is
a sweet red nectarine
juicestained
on my white t-shirt
she stole my heart
and painted it
with kisses
and gold leaf
then
handed it back to me
my life is
blood orange juice
sweet, rich, colorful
she is
the carbonation
that makes my juice
explode
and she exploded my thoughts
my perceptions
misconceptions
she flipped my
infatuation
into
rich, ripe, sweet, colorful
celebration
a hot candle
flickering
in this
cold, windy air
she is
a sweet red nectarine
juicestained
on my white t-shirt
she stole my heart
and painted it
with kisses
and gold leaf
then
handed it back to me
my life is
blood orange juice
sweet, rich, colorful
she is
the carbonation
that makes my juice
explode
and she exploded my thoughts
my perceptions
misconceptions
she flipped my
infatuation
into
rich, ripe, sweet, colorful
celebration
Sunday, April 17, 2011
i
spicy sweet eggplant
a spray of moist at pier 35 perhaps
laughs smiles
pandora, you opened your box
let me in and i cracked mine too
a hopeful juicy hug
ya, the best first date i ever had
ii
crunchy filo sexy
hands meet my heart skips a beat
hawaiian bath fantasy
note to self: she likes miniature things
you asked to kiss me
<< melt >>
iii
the gum that saved her teeth - true story
chew chew chews me
hands stuck like stuck
thai basil coconut sticky sexy backyard
*help i'm alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer
chew walk laugh repeat repeeeeaaaaat
*the emphasis is on the walk
saved by a warm taxi
wrapped around you
like a human tortilla
you on my couch
i am a living butterfly burrito
iv
denny's decaf
hurt feeling shift
she eats honey like sex
i'm a sucker for her honey punch
v
i should like to lay in tall sweet grass
and gaze at your honeyjuicity
i should like to view a deadly cacti
and speak of air plants
vegan pate
near-wet sink incident
became
4 hours of private
ecstasy
& veggie ethiopian #1 delish
vi
fuck it's cold
but your hand and smile and hug and heart and joy make me hot
ethiopian #2
you're so fucking special
such a jagged little jill
taxi #3
and the kiss that maybe
put it all over the top
vii
wiki-wiki-wiki
macaroons
dancing & singing for a taxi like gene kelly & debbie reynolds
you ate my nourish
i licked your plate
you sucked my raspberries
i took your wet water
and drank you in
i didn't sleep
i heard you say
you were looking for me
you washed my dishes
i kissed the back of your neck
again
(muskrat love)
homemade paper & envelope burn
a heart-shaped burnhole in my pocket
viii, ix, x...
(you started a list)
spicy sweet eggplant
a spray of moist at pier 35 perhaps
laughs smiles
pandora, you opened your box
let me in and i cracked mine too
a hopeful juicy hug
ya, the best first date i ever had
ii
crunchy filo sexy
hands meet my heart skips a beat
hawaiian bath fantasy
note to self: she likes miniature things
you asked to kiss me
<< melt >>
iii
the gum that saved her teeth - true story
chew chew chews me
hands stuck like stuck
thai basil coconut sticky sexy backyard
*help i'm alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer
chew walk laugh repeat repeeeeaaaaat
*the emphasis is on the walk
saved by a warm taxi
wrapped around you
like a human tortilla
you on my couch
i am a living butterfly burrito
iv
denny's decaf
hurt feeling shift
she eats honey like sex
i'm a sucker for her honey punch
v
i should like to lay in tall sweet grass
and gaze at your honeyjuicity
i should like to view a deadly cacti
and speak of air plants
vegan pate
near-wet sink incident
became
4 hours of private
ecstasy
& veggie ethiopian #1 delish
vi
fuck it's cold
but your hand and smile and hug and heart and joy make me hot
ethiopian #2
you're so fucking special
such a jagged little jill
taxi #3
and the kiss that maybe
put it all over the top
vii
wiki-wiki-wiki
macaroons
dancing & singing for a taxi like gene kelly & debbie reynolds
you ate my nourish
i licked your plate
you sucked my raspberries
i took your wet water
and drank you in
i didn't sleep
i heard you say
you were looking for me
you washed my dishes
i kissed the back of your neck
again
(muskrat love)
homemade paper & envelope burn
a heart-shaped burnhole in my pocket
viii, ix, x...
(you started a list)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Shoulds & Shouldn'ts
Things I Should Be Doing:
Creating that budget spreadsheet
Getting angry about the Almond Milk from my neon green nylon lunchbag that spilled on my shoes & clothes
Worrying about work deadlines
Surfing the internet
Flossing my teeth
Sorting & alphabetizing random things
Being overwhelmed by all the work I have to get done today
Being cynical & sarcastic in a subtle & inappropriate manner toward well-deserving co-workers
Things I Shouldn't Be Doing:
Thinking about that girl at 7:30 on a Monday morning
Swerving my bike around Telegraph Avenue, listening to Happy Pearl Jam, singing aloud and pissing off commuters
Trying to keep these butterflies from escaping
Laying in bed imagining clever & tasty ways to make vegetarian meatloaf
Thinking about the back of her neck when I still have that deadline
Craving her fingers glued to mine
Writing on my blog at 9:09 am, on a Monday morning, at work
Eating vegetarian Ethiopian food in Lower Haight
Making out on her kitchen counter, almost pushing her into the sink
Creating that budget spreadsheet
Getting angry about the Almond Milk from my neon green nylon lunchbag that spilled on my shoes & clothes
Worrying about work deadlines
Surfing the internet
Flossing my teeth
Sorting & alphabetizing random things
Being overwhelmed by all the work I have to get done today
Being cynical & sarcastic in a subtle & inappropriate manner toward well-deserving co-workers
Things I Shouldn't Be Doing:
Thinking about that girl at 7:30 on a Monday morning
Swerving my bike around Telegraph Avenue, listening to Happy Pearl Jam, singing aloud and pissing off commuters
Trying to keep these butterflies from escaping
Laying in bed imagining clever & tasty ways to make vegetarian meatloaf
Thinking about the back of her neck when I still have that deadline
Craving her fingers glued to mine
Writing on my blog at 9:09 am, on a Monday morning, at work
Eating vegetarian Ethiopian food in Lower Haight
Making out on her kitchen counter, almost pushing her into the sink
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
dancing with the hipsters
at 3:51 on sunday afternoon
i am
hugging you tightly
you will sneak away
embarrassed
i am
hugging you tightly
you will sneak away
embarrassed
you heard me
snubbing the mainstream
i accidentally
saw you smile
your melancholy
paints
paints
my white earplugs black
i am singing
i am singing
lady gaga aloud
(and i am making up the words)
you are uncomfortable
your skinny jeans
are squirming
your eyes squint
behind
ray ban elvis costello glasses
because you know the words
<< secret >>
i saw that film
about that tragic thing
but i'll never read the book
but i'll never read the book
and that makes you
hit the ‘dislike’ button
and we can
reference
character flaws and denouement
and I've
flecks of kale and chili flake
in my teeth
unicorns are just alright with me
reference
character flaws and denouement
and I've
flecks of kale and chili flake
in my teeth
unicorns are just alright with me
i am purchasing a garden gnome
who is perhaps
the nephew of yours
and
i am in your front yard
plucking
3
sweet lemon tulips
standing
in your window
you are aghast
we are both wearing plaid
we are both wearing plaid
at 9:16 this evening
we'll both be
llstening
to iron & wine
on vinyl
we'll both be
llstening
to iron & wine
on vinyl
and later
wearing
wearing
kale and chili flakes
in our teeth.
in our teeth.
listen
a
little
garbanzo
bean
is
moving
stirring
squirming and sprawling
an infant
come to life
it has sprouted
life
something
dry, old, cold, bland
is
alive
dancing
a green tail
short
sleek
hungry
swooshes around
like
the tail of a jack russell terrier
that little bean
has wedged itself
into my heart
and refuses to leave
a
little
garbanzo
bean
is
moving
stirring
squirming and sprawling
an infant
come to life
it has sprouted
life
something
dry, old, cold, bland
is
alive
dancing
a green tail
short
sleek
hungry
swooshes around
like
the tail of a jack russell terrier
that little bean
has wedged itself
into my heart
and refuses to leave
The Grande Update on Blogoliciousness
So here's the thing... I realize I committed to doing this thing daily.
I just can't do it. A, it's kind of a lot of work and feels a bit pressured, and that's no fun for a boy who is a sensitive character such as myself.
B, it doesn't really feel authentic. I figure if I'm going to be writing in this public forum, I want to express stuff that feels true, current, natural and sincere. I don't want to blow blogsmoke up any backsides with wordy and intellectual fluff, or frothy emotional appeal.
SO, you can look forward to random short story ideas, limericks perhaps, rhymes, poems, unusual and perhaps inappropriate anecdotes, and things that may not fit nicely into a box.
I just can't do it. A, it's kind of a lot of work and feels a bit pressured, and that's no fun for a boy who is a sensitive character such as myself.
B, it doesn't really feel authentic. I figure if I'm going to be writing in this public forum, I want to express stuff that feels true, current, natural and sincere. I don't want to blow blogsmoke up any backsides with wordy and intellectual fluff, or frothy emotional appeal.
SO, you can look forward to random short story ideas, limericks perhaps, rhymes, poems, unusual and perhaps inappropriate anecdotes, and things that may not fit nicely into a box.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Thursday, 3/31/11: Broken Things, Jesus In A Convertible Hummer & Ceviche
So I got home this evening - around 10:45 - from having carne asada tacos that were just okay, and a shrimp cevice tostada (fake-style, with cooked shrimp) that was pretty damned tasty.
A moment after entering Casa de DZ, I was keen that and something was odd, misplaced, not quite right. In fact, I soon realized that the three large, glossy, white, sheen-like-tigers-blood bookshelves I had drilled into the wall above my couch were now on my brown leather couch, now Casa de Unhappy.
On these shelves were an assortment of stuffs. Games, new glass candles from Ikea, a tiny plant, books, things I've collected over the years, etc. Seeing as I only moved in a month ago and am still organizing and arranging things, said stuffs were not yet organized in the lovely fashion I'd hoped for them to be organized in. Still, these various goodies were now re-organized in a sad fashion, broken into bits, scattered about, re-composing themselves in a new style of which I did not approve.
My first reaction: "fucking cat!"
How like Charlie, Mr. Alpha Boy, to jump on these shelves and explore, only to take them all down like bold, heavy, tragic dominoes. He's got to be soooo curious, soooo nosy, and my guess is he saw something green and growing there to munch on... In this case, a small cactus, which he would surely not gnaw on, and which now lay on said couch in said sad fashion. ("Help me. I may be prickly, but I am fragile and vulnerable.")
So here's the amazing part: my second and lasting reaction was, "clean up, get over it, it's only stuff".
Where in the hell did that come from? Swooped down upon me like Lord Jesus in a Hummer Convertible, dancing in a toga to "Circus" from Britney Spears. (Yeah, Pandora is pretty-much changing my life.)
So out come the broom, dustpan and baby broom. Pick things up, shake off broken shards of glass and that curious dry-dirt-and-tiny-styrofoam-ball debris that go in the $1.99 plants. And I was talking to God the whole while.
I realized, once the 3-second flash of anger came and went, that:
a) it very well may have been my cat's doing
b) what good would it do either of us to get all huffy
c) it's just stuff, and stuff can be replaced
d) noone got hurt
e) it's really all my fault, because
1) the shelves were never properly-secured
2) it's my responsibility, as a cat owner, to either have shelves he can safely jump onto, or find ways to prevent him from getting on them in the first place
The fact is, I need to have a home that is safe for my cat, and clearly that's an example of unsafe. I am grateful that he's okay.
The biggest material loss is a $60 Ikea lamp that I rather liked, but again, easily-replaceable.
Some amazing things are happening to me, on the inside, and I am aware and so grateful. Looks like I may finally be growing up...
A moment after entering Casa de DZ, I was keen that and something was odd, misplaced, not quite right. In fact, I soon realized that the three large, glossy, white, sheen-like-tigers-blood bookshelves I had drilled into the wall above my couch were now on my brown leather couch, now Casa de Unhappy.
On these shelves were an assortment of stuffs. Games, new glass candles from Ikea, a tiny plant, books, things I've collected over the years, etc. Seeing as I only moved in a month ago and am still organizing and arranging things, said stuffs were not yet organized in the lovely fashion I'd hoped for them to be organized in. Still, these various goodies were now re-organized in a sad fashion, broken into bits, scattered about, re-composing themselves in a new style of which I did not approve.
My first reaction: "fucking cat!"
How like Charlie, Mr. Alpha Boy, to jump on these shelves and explore, only to take them all down like bold, heavy, tragic dominoes. He's got to be soooo curious, soooo nosy, and my guess is he saw something green and growing there to munch on... In this case, a small cactus, which he would surely not gnaw on, and which now lay on said couch in said sad fashion. ("Help me. I may be prickly, but I am fragile and vulnerable.")
So here's the amazing part: my second and lasting reaction was, "clean up, get over it, it's only stuff".
Where in the hell did that come from? Swooped down upon me like Lord Jesus in a Hummer Convertible, dancing in a toga to "Circus" from Britney Spears. (Yeah, Pandora is pretty-much changing my life.)
So out come the broom, dustpan and baby broom. Pick things up, shake off broken shards of glass and that curious dry-dirt-and-tiny-styrofoam-ball debris that go in the $1.99 plants. And I was talking to God the whole while.
I realized, once the 3-second flash of anger came and went, that:
a) it very well may have been my cat's doing
b) what good would it do either of us to get all huffy
c) it's just stuff, and stuff can be replaced
d) noone got hurt
e) it's really all my fault, because
1) the shelves were never properly-secured
2) it's my responsibility, as a cat owner, to either have shelves he can safely jump onto, or find ways to prevent him from getting on them in the first place
The fact is, I need to have a home that is safe for my cat, and clearly that's an example of unsafe. I am grateful that he's okay.
The biggest material loss is a $60 Ikea lamp that I rather liked, but again, easily-replaceable.
Some amazing things are happening to me, on the inside, and I am aware and so grateful. Looks like I may finally be growing up...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday, 3/30/11: Special Bonus Post - Cat Situation!
My cats are my family.
My "natural" family are loved dearly, but spread around, and I rarely see them.
Charlie & Daphne have been with me for about 10 years I reckon, the longest relationship I've ever had.
They play, cuddle, clean, run, purr, lick water and eat food, pee, poo... The usual stuff.
In all honesty, these are the two best cats I've ever had. And I am a cat guy - I've probably been dad to 30-40 cats, not counting when I was a little boy with 10 for awhile. Sort of a crazy cat kid. Or not sort of...
Around Christmas 2010, some weird stuff started happening. In the evenings, they'd fight. Not usual cat banter... Fight like cats in an alley who spin around, slice each other up, bleed, and cry in pain.
My reaction was shock, terror, anger, frustration, hopelessness, powerlessness, anxiety... Etc.
The vet recommended this plug-in product called Feliway. I'm still waiting for it to start working.
Fast-forward: I moved to a new place a month ago. It's smaller, and they were already on shaky ground prior to moving... She would regularly growl and hiss at him, and he, being so curious, would come at her while she expressed disdain, creating a scene.
In my new place, things came to a head last Friday, when Charlie began attacking/jumping on myself and others with all fours, scratching, ripping at flesh, wailing. Terrifying. Heartbreaking. Everything you can imagine that goes with that.
I finally took him to the vet on Saturday, he had a fine check-up/bloodwork, etc., and they gave me a sedative for him to chill.
I administered the drug, and he got really slow, loopy, tired, and it broke my heart to see him that way. His eyes were 1/2-covered with the whites, and his face was so distorted that he looked like a different cat. It caused me so much sadness to see that. The vet wanted to give him a script for cat-prozac, which I reluctantly agreed to.
Some of my friends think I need to spend more time and energy re-acquainting them with each other or my new place or using special toys or whatever. I love my friends - all of them. Someone suggested that the problem is that I've moved recently, but these cats have moved with me and my ex-wife probably a dozen times over their lifetime. No joke. The fact is, I haven't slept in 6 nights, and even with proper sleep, I don't have time or means to pay for the services, to babysit them, etc. It breaks my heart - the whole situation. I have cried, not eaten, and also fucked up at work, been depressed, and just felt overall really horrible. It's been a nightmare of hopeless and lonely terror, I kid you not. I am a single man, and I simply am unable to dedicate energy to this situation when I'm still trying to unpack in my new place, buy groceries, cook, live my daily life, go to meetings, etc. This situation has sucked the life out of me quickly.
I don't know why it happened - there are a few reasons that could explain it - but the fact is that my life has quickly been bulldozed by this. Why is not a spiritual question. Faith without works is dead.
So I've been praying. And talking to others. I put an ad on Facebook looking for a place for Daphne to go, because she is the sweeter one overall, and will be easier to find a home for. She is such a sweetheart, a lover of people, so friendly and happy, but she seems to hate him these days.
Two of my friends came through, one to pick her up and escort her, and the other to take her in, at least for a week or so until I find a permanent home. However, he is considering keeping her if it works out and if he can get permission from the landlord. I honestly couldn't think of a sweeter person to be her new dad, so we'll see what God has in store.
I am SO GRATEFUL for Samantha Stevens and Eric Andler, who graciously came through for me. One more example of how prayer works, and I am reminded that everything will always be okay no matter what. I knew it all day today - that I would be fine, that Daphne & Charlie would be fine, and that God had a plan. Here it is...
My "natural" family are loved dearly, but spread around, and I rarely see them.
Charlie & Daphne have been with me for about 10 years I reckon, the longest relationship I've ever had.
They play, cuddle, clean, run, purr, lick water and eat food, pee, poo... The usual stuff.
In all honesty, these are the two best cats I've ever had. And I am a cat guy - I've probably been dad to 30-40 cats, not counting when I was a little boy with 10 for awhile. Sort of a crazy cat kid. Or not sort of...
Around Christmas 2010, some weird stuff started happening. In the evenings, they'd fight. Not usual cat banter... Fight like cats in an alley who spin around, slice each other up, bleed, and cry in pain.
My reaction was shock, terror, anger, frustration, hopelessness, powerlessness, anxiety... Etc.
The vet recommended this plug-in product called Feliway. I'm still waiting for it to start working.
Fast-forward: I moved to a new place a month ago. It's smaller, and they were already on shaky ground prior to moving... She would regularly growl and hiss at him, and he, being so curious, would come at her while she expressed disdain, creating a scene.
In my new place, things came to a head last Friday, when Charlie began attacking/jumping on myself and others with all fours, scratching, ripping at flesh, wailing. Terrifying. Heartbreaking. Everything you can imagine that goes with that.
I finally took him to the vet on Saturday, he had a fine check-up/bloodwork, etc., and they gave me a sedative for him to chill.
I administered the drug, and he got really slow, loopy, tired, and it broke my heart to see him that way. His eyes were 1/2-covered with the whites, and his face was so distorted that he looked like a different cat. It caused me so much sadness to see that. The vet wanted to give him a script for cat-prozac, which I reluctantly agreed to.
Some of my friends think I need to spend more time and energy re-acquainting them with each other or my new place or using special toys or whatever. I love my friends - all of them. Someone suggested that the problem is that I've moved recently, but these cats have moved with me and my ex-wife probably a dozen times over their lifetime. No joke. The fact is, I haven't slept in 6 nights, and even with proper sleep, I don't have time or means to pay for the services, to babysit them, etc. It breaks my heart - the whole situation. I have cried, not eaten, and also fucked up at work, been depressed, and just felt overall really horrible. It's been a nightmare of hopeless and lonely terror, I kid you not. I am a single man, and I simply am unable to dedicate energy to this situation when I'm still trying to unpack in my new place, buy groceries, cook, live my daily life, go to meetings, etc. This situation has sucked the life out of me quickly.
I don't know why it happened - there are a few reasons that could explain it - but the fact is that my life has quickly been bulldozed by this. Why is not a spiritual question. Faith without works is dead.
So I've been praying. And talking to others. I put an ad on Facebook looking for a place for Daphne to go, because she is the sweeter one overall, and will be easier to find a home for. She is such a sweetheart, a lover of people, so friendly and happy, but she seems to hate him these days.
Two of my friends came through, one to pick her up and escort her, and the other to take her in, at least for a week or so until I find a permanent home. However, he is considering keeping her if it works out and if he can get permission from the landlord. I honestly couldn't think of a sweeter person to be her new dad, so we'll see what God has in store.
I am SO GRATEFUL for Samantha Stevens and Eric Andler, who graciously came through for me. One more example of how prayer works, and I am reminded that everything will always be okay no matter what. I knew it all day today - that I would be fine, that Daphne & Charlie would be fine, and that God had a plan. Here it is...
Wednesday, 3/30/11: Mom
I could write and write here, and I'd never be close to filling this page.
My mother, Susan Gertrude Ziemer-Brender, a woman of many names, was my primary parent - they divorced when I was 10, and I lived essentially as an only child from that age on, with the exception of borders who lived in our house too, some of whom took on roles of parent, friend, sibling and occasional horrible enemy.
My mom taught me so much, it's overwhelming to know where to start. So I'll start at the beginning.
Born in Vienna, surviving 3 concentration camps in WWII, survivor of 3 marriages, and mother to 3 of her own children, official-adopted mom to 2 other boys, and unofficially countless others, my mother was someone who not only beat the odds, but challenged and overturned them.
She came from a horrible and ugly place that traumatized her as a child and teenager, and used that pain to help others heal. A nurse, therapist, leader, healer, mentor, humorist, intellect... So many boxes to put her in, you might just run out.
My mom made lemonade from those lemons, but also used the skin and pulp to make memories, laughter, inappropriate-and-humiliating-your-child moments of the most sacred variety, introspection and amazing goulash. On cooking, she made good food, but we all agreed that it looked nasty. Liptower; that crazy German potato/sauerkraut/polska kielbasa/onion thing; and so much more german and austrian stuff.
But the real "meat-and-potatoes", so-to-speak, on Susan Ziemer, is that she was an amazing and wonderful person, who touched everyone she met over my lifetime. High school friends on Facebook still remember having great conversations with her, and on Thanksgiving and Christmukkah, she'd always have a caravan of older women over, who made me nervous and uncomfortable and resentful. They were alone and lonely, and had nowhere else to go for holidays. She was someone who looked out for people, who gave and gave and then gave more.
For most of the years she was alive, she was my best friend. Not only did she teach me how to play Scrabble as a young lad... She also taught me how to forgive and love the darkness - in people, circumstances, whatever. She showed me that whoever and whatever I am is beautiful. My mom not only encouraged me to chase my sorted dreams of being an actor, rock star, chef, and whatever else might be the career du jour... She got out of the way to let me grow, hurt, fall, and get back up and try again.
Certainly she was no saint; but I don't need to talk about her problems. I did that most of my young life, and today I am celebrating her.
The fact is, most days lately I am celebrating her. The man I am becoming is so much about my mom, who emanated love.
I really could go on and on... I've barely scratched the bottom left corner of the surface. But hopefully you get the idea. I miss her, she never leaves my mind or presence, and I love her more than ever.
My mother, Susan Gertrude Ziemer-Brender, a woman of many names, was my primary parent - they divorced when I was 10, and I lived essentially as an only child from that age on, with the exception of borders who lived in our house too, some of whom took on roles of parent, friend, sibling and occasional horrible enemy.
My mom taught me so much, it's overwhelming to know where to start. So I'll start at the beginning.
Born in Vienna, surviving 3 concentration camps in WWII, survivor of 3 marriages, and mother to 3 of her own children, official-adopted mom to 2 other boys, and unofficially countless others, my mother was someone who not only beat the odds, but challenged and overturned them.
She came from a horrible and ugly place that traumatized her as a child and teenager, and used that pain to help others heal. A nurse, therapist, leader, healer, mentor, humorist, intellect... So many boxes to put her in, you might just run out.
My mom made lemonade from those lemons, but also used the skin and pulp to make memories, laughter, inappropriate-and-humiliating-your-child moments of the most sacred variety, introspection and amazing goulash. On cooking, she made good food, but we all agreed that it looked nasty. Liptower; that crazy German potato/sauerkraut/polska kielbasa/onion thing; and so much more german and austrian stuff.
But the real "meat-and-potatoes", so-to-speak, on Susan Ziemer, is that she was an amazing and wonderful person, who touched everyone she met over my lifetime. High school friends on Facebook still remember having great conversations with her, and on Thanksgiving and Christmukkah, she'd always have a caravan of older women over, who made me nervous and uncomfortable and resentful. They were alone and lonely, and had nowhere else to go for holidays. She was someone who looked out for people, who gave and gave and then gave more.
For most of the years she was alive, she was my best friend. Not only did she teach me how to play Scrabble as a young lad... She also taught me how to forgive and love the darkness - in people, circumstances, whatever. She showed me that whoever and whatever I am is beautiful. My mom not only encouraged me to chase my sorted dreams of being an actor, rock star, chef, and whatever else might be the career du jour... She got out of the way to let me grow, hurt, fall, and get back up and try again.
Certainly she was no saint; but I don't need to talk about her problems. I did that most of my young life, and today I am celebrating her.
The fact is, most days lately I am celebrating her. The man I am becoming is so much about my mom, who emanated love.
I really could go on and on... I've barely scratched the bottom left corner of the surface. But hopefully you get the idea. I miss her, she never leaves my mind or presence, and I love her more than ever.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, 3/29/11: Sisters
So let me just tell you that I'm exhausted, have been having spotty sleep for the past few nights due to feline emotional issues, and I only have a few minutes tonight. Apologies to my sisters if they read this; I love you a lot, but I can't keep staying up until midnight to do my blog... Gotta start doing it in the mornings, but for now, it's a quickie.
2 sisters, whom I shall call Betty and Schmetty.
Betty is the youngest of the sisters, and the chronological order, ascending is: Danny, Huey, Louis, Betty, Schmetty. Jesus, whoever named most of those kids has some issues. Oh wait - it was me.
Anyway, Betty was a big part of my childhood. We used to go see a lot of movies together, she got me hooked on Mork from Ork, Star Trek, and other geekstuffs. She was probably the first geek woman in my life who provided some great direction, fun and excitement. I believe Betty taught me how to drive...
So Betty moved out of the house when I must have been in high school (?), and ultimately married, had kids (mentioned a couple days ago, two of them), and ended up living in Virginia with her family. We rarely talk now, but I hope to be seeing her and the whole family this summer.
She's a great person. Warm, loving, good-intentioned, caring, considerate, creative, sassy in that Ziemer-style, smart, a mom of a group of kids that can be a handful, passionate, artistic, and fun to be around. I miss her - haven't seen her in years, probably close to 10, and I really hope I get to this summer.
The other sister - Schmetty - is the oldest of us. She changed her last name to something bay area like Dolphin, but she's still ok in my book. In fact, she's pretty awesome.
Schmetty lives in Sebastapol, up further north, somewhat close to Santa Rosa. She used to own a flower shop, worked in crafts shows both selling and making groovy stuff, and now produces a huge annual crafts show in Bodega Bay every year. She also works at a weight management program, running groups and such. But what's super-awesome is that she got into the Personal Training biz in the past few years. And I do believe she's doing pretty well with it, although we haven't talked in awhile.
Schmetty lives in a cottage in the middle of an apple orchard, and it's pretty damned breathtaking. She plays some mean Scrabble - almost as good as me - is the sassiest of the Ziemer's, outspoken, clever, witty, funny, ridiculous, wise, loving, considerate, patient and really just a great person. Jeez, I haven't seen her in awhile, and need to.
I'd like to mention, in a general way, that Schmetty went through an amazing transformation of being someone who didn't think a whole lot of herself and couldn't really "find her way" in her younger years to a woman who is a leader, who helps others all the time, who capitalizes on her strengths, and who always shares news that inspires me. We used to despise each other when I was a kid, and today I love her as much as the others, but a little less if she beats me at Scrabble.
Okay, that's it for now...
2 sisters, whom I shall call Betty and Schmetty.
Betty is the youngest of the sisters, and the chronological order, ascending is: Danny, Huey, Louis, Betty, Schmetty. Jesus, whoever named most of those kids has some issues. Oh wait - it was me.
Anyway, Betty was a big part of my childhood. We used to go see a lot of movies together, she got me hooked on Mork from Ork, Star Trek, and other geekstuffs. She was probably the first geek woman in my life who provided some great direction, fun and excitement. I believe Betty taught me how to drive...
So Betty moved out of the house when I must have been in high school (?), and ultimately married, had kids (mentioned a couple days ago, two of them), and ended up living in Virginia with her family. We rarely talk now, but I hope to be seeing her and the whole family this summer.
She's a great person. Warm, loving, good-intentioned, caring, considerate, creative, sassy in that Ziemer-style, smart, a mom of a group of kids that can be a handful, passionate, artistic, and fun to be around. I miss her - haven't seen her in years, probably close to 10, and I really hope I get to this summer.
The other sister - Schmetty - is the oldest of us. She changed her last name to something bay area like Dolphin, but she's still ok in my book. In fact, she's pretty awesome.
Schmetty lives in Sebastapol, up further north, somewhat close to Santa Rosa. She used to own a flower shop, worked in crafts shows both selling and making groovy stuff, and now produces a huge annual crafts show in Bodega Bay every year. She also works at a weight management program, running groups and such. But what's super-awesome is that she got into the Personal Training biz in the past few years. And I do believe she's doing pretty well with it, although we haven't talked in awhile.
Schmetty lives in a cottage in the middle of an apple orchard, and it's pretty damned breathtaking. She plays some mean Scrabble - almost as good as me - is the sassiest of the Ziemer's, outspoken, clever, witty, funny, ridiculous, wise, loving, considerate, patient and really just a great person. Jeez, I haven't seen her in awhile, and need to.
I'd like to mention, in a general way, that Schmetty went through an amazing transformation of being someone who didn't think a whole lot of herself and couldn't really "find her way" in her younger years to a woman who is a leader, who helps others all the time, who capitalizes on her strengths, and who always shares news that inspires me. We used to despise each other when I was a kid, and today I love her as much as the others, but a little less if she beats me at Scrabble.
Okay, that's it for now...
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, 3/28/11: Brothers
I have two brothers - I'll call them Huey and Louie.
A disclaimer from the gate here - my brothers and sisters are halves... Brothers have a different mom, sisters a different dad. Both of my parents were on their second marriage when they had me, the "love child", if you wish. None of us look at each other that way, but I'm just saying. What's sort of cool for me is that I am blood-related to all four... That's why I got mad skillz, playa.
That said, let me tell you about my bros. Huey and Louie have birthdays that are back-to-back... I'm pretty sure it's April 13 and 14. They are, I believe, 5 years apart. It might be April 12 and 13, and it might be 6 or 7 years apart, but you get the idea. Of course, I should know these things, but I'm way too busy thinking about myself pretty much all the time.
So Huey is the next youngest from me... I'm 41, so I believe that makes him 46? Anyway, this guy - if you saw who he is, what he does for work and fun, you'd likely not know he's my brother... He's married for - geez - 17 years or so? - a paralegal in Pasadena, avidly coaches soccer for his kids (mentioned in yesterday's post) and a host of other kids, of course, and is clearly regarded as the Burbank Soccer CoachMaster. He's very passionate about his shows, and amongst the favorites are Amazing Race, Survivor, Simpsons, History Channel and that sort of thing, and raunchy, disturbing reality shows with Harley Davidsons, Brett Michaels and such.
This guy, he goes to work all suited-up like me, works for The Man, and lives a very humble and respectable lifestyle. So you'd look at him and me, and you'd ask yourself, "how could these two be brothers?"
YOU: "Why, this one is short and VERY bald, and this one is TALL, and PRETTY bald."
YOU: "Yes, how can they be brothers?"
YOU: "Look here - this fellow Huey enjoys television, and this fellow Danny owns no television and only watches films on Netflix and Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job on Hulu".
YOU: "I find this conversation ridiculous!"
YOU: "Why, just look at the facts man... This man is handy with tools and building sorted things, teaches young women fyne soccer-playing antics, and this larger fellow is skilled with drilling random holes into things and creating uneven surfaces, breaking things, and translating Shakespeare. How can there possibly be genetic material involved here?"
YOU: "This conversation is making me terribly uncomfortable, for far too many reasons to list. May I please return to my cell?"
That had to stop.
The fact is, Huey is an awesome dude. Funny, charming, charismatic, sensitive, articulate, loving, forgiving, mature, playful, silly, creative, smart, sassy (a favourite Ziemerism), sarcastic (another favourite), motivated and most of all, has taught me so much about being a man. He shows up for his wife, his kids, his friends and co-workers. He's the guy at work who should be totally overwhelmed and stressed, and although he may be going through his work shit, he's always cracking odd jokes, providing funny and anecdotal references, and generally bringing smiles to the faces of others with his offbeat humor, which I would think is a rare commodity in law. The neighbors know him, they chat it up when taking down the Christmas lights or washing the car. He tucks his kids in at night when he can. He reads the paper and drinks coffee in the morning. Yeah, real man stuff, and that's pretty damned cool in my book.
As a kid, Huey was my first hero. I don't have the time - and this is certainly not the forum - to tell you all of what's happened from 1977 or so until 2011. I will tell you that those feelings of admiration went away, both out of his and my own doing. But I can also assure you that today, he is my hero again. I've watched this dude walk through some incredibly painful and challenging stuff, have gotten to share mine with him, and he has always had my back, given me support and been in my corner.
Louie is my big brother - I reckon he's 48? 49? This guy was always a joker, too. I remember, as a kid, there was always some odd and borderline-dangerous humor around various serial killers and such... "I'm not crazy. I'm the devil. And the devil ALWAYS shaves his head!" -Charlie Manson "Robbie, when I GIVE you a banana, you EAT the banana!" -family across the street. Okay, not serial killers I believe, but the vocal styling and mannerisms he incorporated into the delivery were of that variety.
This guy too - he likes the country music and swing dancing, so odd! I realized recently that I stole one of my first two tapes from him - Blondie, Parallel Lines. He was into the real punk rock that was happening in the 80's, going to shows in Orange County, and some of that rubbed off on me, but I was mostly too busy listening to A Flock of Seagulls and such.
So this guy has an incredible work ethic. He started working for a large grocery chain when he was 18, right out of high school, and has stayed there all of these years. For a guy like me, who doesn't really "do" jobs, that says a hell of a lot. He and I look more alike than his brother and I - he's 6'4", played basketball in high school, etc. Louie is generally regarded as the normal one of the family. A family needs that. I can assure you, though, that he does possess the Awesomeosity of Ziemerosity. Inappropriate, funny, charming, charismatic, generous, sensitive, creative... So much shared with his brother. This dude has been and remains on my hero list as well.
I can also share with you that, when I was in high school and going through an incredibly difficult period, he and his then-wife took me in and let me stay in their home. Believe me, I was no walk-in-the-park, and he demonstrated that love is action, even when it's uncomfortable. And being around me at that time was, I imagine, terribly uncomfortable.
With both of these guys, they've taught me what it means to do anything for family. These are those kind of guys. They walk the talk. These brothers of mine continue to demonstrate what it means to be selfless and unconditionally-loving, even when the conditions are such that it's not so appealing.
The best way to become a man is to have examples who will pick you up when you fall, and allow you to be there for them when the shit hits their fan. And these are those guys. I love 'em with all of me.
A disclaimer from the gate here - my brothers and sisters are halves... Brothers have a different mom, sisters a different dad. Both of my parents were on their second marriage when they had me, the "love child", if you wish. None of us look at each other that way, but I'm just saying. What's sort of cool for me is that I am blood-related to all four... That's why I got mad skillz, playa.
That said, let me tell you about my bros. Huey and Louie have birthdays that are back-to-back... I'm pretty sure it's April 13 and 14. They are, I believe, 5 years apart. It might be April 12 and 13, and it might be 6 or 7 years apart, but you get the idea. Of course, I should know these things, but I'm way too busy thinking about myself pretty much all the time.
So Huey is the next youngest from me... I'm 41, so I believe that makes him 46? Anyway, this guy - if you saw who he is, what he does for work and fun, you'd likely not know he's my brother... He's married for - geez - 17 years or so? - a paralegal in Pasadena, avidly coaches soccer for his kids (mentioned in yesterday's post) and a host of other kids, of course, and is clearly regarded as the Burbank Soccer CoachMaster. He's very passionate about his shows, and amongst the favorites are Amazing Race, Survivor, Simpsons, History Channel and that sort of thing, and raunchy, disturbing reality shows with Harley Davidsons, Brett Michaels and such.
This guy, he goes to work all suited-up like me, works for The Man, and lives a very humble and respectable lifestyle. So you'd look at him and me, and you'd ask yourself, "how could these two be brothers?"
YOU: "Why, this one is short and VERY bald, and this one is TALL, and PRETTY bald."
YOU: "Yes, how can they be brothers?"
YOU: "Look here - this fellow Huey enjoys television, and this fellow Danny owns no television and only watches films on Netflix and Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job on Hulu".
YOU: "I find this conversation ridiculous!"
YOU: "Why, just look at the facts man... This man is handy with tools and building sorted things, teaches young women fyne soccer-playing antics, and this larger fellow is skilled with drilling random holes into things and creating uneven surfaces, breaking things, and translating Shakespeare. How can there possibly be genetic material involved here?"
YOU: "This conversation is making me terribly uncomfortable, for far too many reasons to list. May I please return to my cell?"
That had to stop.
The fact is, Huey is an awesome dude. Funny, charming, charismatic, sensitive, articulate, loving, forgiving, mature, playful, silly, creative, smart, sassy (a favourite Ziemerism), sarcastic (another favourite), motivated and most of all, has taught me so much about being a man. He shows up for his wife, his kids, his friends and co-workers. He's the guy at work who should be totally overwhelmed and stressed, and although he may be going through his work shit, he's always cracking odd jokes, providing funny and anecdotal references, and generally bringing smiles to the faces of others with his offbeat humor, which I would think is a rare commodity in law. The neighbors know him, they chat it up when taking down the Christmas lights or washing the car. He tucks his kids in at night when he can. He reads the paper and drinks coffee in the morning. Yeah, real man stuff, and that's pretty damned cool in my book.
As a kid, Huey was my first hero. I don't have the time - and this is certainly not the forum - to tell you all of what's happened from 1977 or so until 2011. I will tell you that those feelings of admiration went away, both out of his and my own doing. But I can also assure you that today, he is my hero again. I've watched this dude walk through some incredibly painful and challenging stuff, have gotten to share mine with him, and he has always had my back, given me support and been in my corner.
Louie is my big brother - I reckon he's 48? 49? This guy was always a joker, too. I remember, as a kid, there was always some odd and borderline-dangerous humor around various serial killers and such... "I'm not crazy. I'm the devil. And the devil ALWAYS shaves his head!" -Charlie Manson "Robbie, when I GIVE you a banana, you EAT the banana!" -family across the street. Okay, not serial killers I believe, but the vocal styling and mannerisms he incorporated into the delivery were of that variety.
This guy too - he likes the country music and swing dancing, so odd! I realized recently that I stole one of my first two tapes from him - Blondie, Parallel Lines. He was into the real punk rock that was happening in the 80's, going to shows in Orange County, and some of that rubbed off on me, but I was mostly too busy listening to A Flock of Seagulls and such.
So this guy has an incredible work ethic. He started working for a large grocery chain when he was 18, right out of high school, and has stayed there all of these years. For a guy like me, who doesn't really "do" jobs, that says a hell of a lot. He and I look more alike than his brother and I - he's 6'4", played basketball in high school, etc. Louie is generally regarded as the normal one of the family. A family needs that. I can assure you, though, that he does possess the Awesomeosity of Ziemerosity. Inappropriate, funny, charming, charismatic, generous, sensitive, creative... So much shared with his brother. This dude has been and remains on my hero list as well.
I can also share with you that, when I was in high school and going through an incredibly difficult period, he and his then-wife took me in and let me stay in their home. Believe me, I was no walk-in-the-park, and he demonstrated that love is action, even when it's uncomfortable. And being around me at that time was, I imagine, terribly uncomfortable.
With both of these guys, they've taught me what it means to do anything for family. These are those kind of guys. They walk the talk. These brothers of mine continue to demonstrate what it means to be selfless and unconditionally-loving, even when the conditions are such that it's not so appealing.
The best way to become a man is to have examples who will pick you up when you fall, and allow you to be there for them when the shit hits their fan. And these are those guys. I love 'em with all of me.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Sunday, 3/27/11: Nieces & Nephews
I can't think of a better way to tell you about my awesome family than to discuss my awesome nieces & nephews.
I love my entire family - like all families, we have our challenges, issues and sometimes pain. But there also exists love, forgiveness, laughter, and joy. To my own fault, I don't know my nephews in Virginia all that well, but my one nephew, whom I'll call Frank, is a great kid, really smart, 16 or 17 I believe, and from what I know, seems to be on a path of higher education and a career in technology.
My nieces, however, I do know well, and they are the sunshine of my life. Here come the fake names: Frank's sister, Melissa, is 16, an amazing actor, has the Ziemer Chutzpah, writes really insightful, quirky and thought-provoking poetry, is funny, and like all three nieces I'll focus on mostly here (since I know them all pretty well), gorgeous. Melissa is always doing funny things with her hair, and I reckon she got some lip piercing or maybe her nose, which is adorable, and which I suspect her parents were not thrilled with. The bummer - really with her whole family, parents included - is that she's so far away, so I'm lucky to see her once a year. That throws a wrench in bitchenosity, but I still see her on facebook, we chat occasionally, and I get to follow her life and see the fantastic things she's doing, being a kid, having fun, presumably getting into some trouble, etc. I had a scare around Christmastime, about some personal stuff going on in her family, and the way in which she, I and finally her brother Frank - mentioned above - were able to connect on that stuff was remarkable. Melissa is smart, sassy and hysterical, just the way a Ziemer should be (even though she has a different last name, she's still totally a Ziemer). Melissa, like the other two in Burbank, is my Facebook daughter. She calls me "dad" when we chat, and it honestly wells me up a bit. I should be so lucky.
So the other two in Burbank... I'll call the 13 year old Cupcake, and the 15 year old Lexus, just because those names will likely irritate the hell out of them.
Again, the disclaimer here is that, with these two, I remember when they were born, have celebrated many-a-birthday with them, watched them go from little girls into gorgeous, talented, sassy young women, and have been fortunate enough to be around for some of the hard stuff too, which is maybe one of the greatest blessings in my life. Damn, I have it good.
So we'll start with Cupcake, since she's the junior. This girl, I remember this little kid... Short, chubby, cranky, quiet-but-fierce, irritable... As a kid, although cute and all that, she seemed pretty unhappy. Putting on my psychoanalytical hat, I suspect she was pretty peeved with being smaller and less athletic than her sister, who really got a lot of attention with her soccer rockstarness. More on that later.
So here's this little kid, sweet and funny but also seemingly-misunderstood, who has a lisp and a grudge. Oh, the identification. So I get the honor of watching this child turn into something that is absolutely remarkable. I get to watch her become an amazing person, right before my eyes, which must be deceiving me. I have had the honor of watching Cupcake become this sensitive, sarcastic (definitely a plus in the Ziemer Clan), sweet, gentle, creative, smart, knockout woman. She is truly remarkable. Truly. This kid says things that are way beyond her years, and has insight and intuition that most even semi-aware people would kill for. To see her and how she has become not only tolerant of but a fan of her sister - and to see how she is becoming her own person, how she and her sister are still amazing friends, but Cupcake has some of her OWN friends now, and has broken away from the "sidekick sister" shadow that she fell into at a young age... It is an amazing thing to have the privilege of witnessing. This kid and I have talked about some really deep and heavy stuff, and have also laughed and celebrated our own joys. Wow, as I write this, I'm reminded of just how much I miss these girls.
So the other one now... Lexus. Yeah, she'll love that. This girl was, at a young age, incredibly gifted with the soccer ball. And, also at a young age, she was beautiful. Of course, as her uncle, I was honored and proud to be amongst those genes... But wait, where the f*ck is mine??!
So the thing is, I could imagine that other little girls - without Lexus' field skills and stunning "California Blond" looks, probably couldn't stand her. But the thing is, I never saw that. And I believe I never saw it because she was - and still is - the sweetest kid I ever met. Perhaps the sweetest person I've ever met. Honestly, I hope to someday be as kind, patient and humble as this girl. It blows me away. Because of her dad - my brother - she inherited the sassy personality, quick and sharp humor, integrity and good sense (sadly, that's probably more him than me). Certainly because of her mom - as is the case with her sister - she got the patience, sensibility, reasoning, sweetness, hottie Norwegian tannable-skin, light eyes and blonde locks, and just overall "goodness", among other things. Again, I've had the honor of watching this girl go from an 87 Toyota Corolla into a 2011 Lexus. Horrible, I know, but I had to work that name in here.
One last anecdote on these two above... Last time I was in L.A. with the familia, I had the most amazing experience of dancing with my nieces in the living room one evening. Cupcake had broken her knee in a bad soccer spill just before I arrived, and we were hanging out over the holidays, kind of bored. I plugged my iPhone into their little boombox, and we proceeded to take over the living room, chasing their dad away to watch TV elsewhere, while I got to turn them on to awesome 80's grinds, amongst them Prince, Madonna, Big Country, Duran Duran, Joy Division, etc. That was something I'll cherish forever. Little Cupcake propped herself up on the couch, and was rolling her hair around, doing crazy things with her arms, and shaking both her functioning and gimp leg around. (Don't worry, she's since recovered, so I can call her a gimp - I did it then too.) We laughed so much, doing all of these crazy moves we were making up, and it was really a thrill for me, this guy who is becoming the kind of uncle that I could only hope to be to my own kids someday, if I'm so lucky.
So a big hug, smile and thank you to ALL of my nieces and nephews, especially the ones I've yet to meet, and very much so to those in Virginia who I can't wait to know more. And thanks to the parents - my brother and sister, and my s-in-law and b-in-law, who brought these morsels of happiness into my life. These are some big morsels, and I am reminded again that I just might be the luckiest guy around...
I love my entire family - like all families, we have our challenges, issues and sometimes pain. But there also exists love, forgiveness, laughter, and joy. To my own fault, I don't know my nephews in Virginia all that well, but my one nephew, whom I'll call Frank, is a great kid, really smart, 16 or 17 I believe, and from what I know, seems to be on a path of higher education and a career in technology.
My nieces, however, I do know well, and they are the sunshine of my life. Here come the fake names: Frank's sister, Melissa, is 16, an amazing actor, has the Ziemer Chutzpah, writes really insightful, quirky and thought-provoking poetry, is funny, and like all three nieces I'll focus on mostly here (since I know them all pretty well), gorgeous. Melissa is always doing funny things with her hair, and I reckon she got some lip piercing or maybe her nose, which is adorable, and which I suspect her parents were not thrilled with. The bummer - really with her whole family, parents included - is that she's so far away, so I'm lucky to see her once a year. That throws a wrench in bitchenosity, but I still see her on facebook, we chat occasionally, and I get to follow her life and see the fantastic things she's doing, being a kid, having fun, presumably getting into some trouble, etc. I had a scare around Christmastime, about some personal stuff going on in her family, and the way in which she, I and finally her brother Frank - mentioned above - were able to connect on that stuff was remarkable. Melissa is smart, sassy and hysterical, just the way a Ziemer should be (even though she has a different last name, she's still totally a Ziemer). Melissa, like the other two in Burbank, is my Facebook daughter. She calls me "dad" when we chat, and it honestly wells me up a bit. I should be so lucky.
So the other two in Burbank... I'll call the 13 year old Cupcake, and the 15 year old Lexus, just because those names will likely irritate the hell out of them.
Again, the disclaimer here is that, with these two, I remember when they were born, have celebrated many-a-birthday with them, watched them go from little girls into gorgeous, talented, sassy young women, and have been fortunate enough to be around for some of the hard stuff too, which is maybe one of the greatest blessings in my life. Damn, I have it good.
So we'll start with Cupcake, since she's the junior. This girl, I remember this little kid... Short, chubby, cranky, quiet-but-fierce, irritable... As a kid, although cute and all that, she seemed pretty unhappy. Putting on my psychoanalytical hat, I suspect she was pretty peeved with being smaller and less athletic than her sister, who really got a lot of attention with her soccer rockstarness. More on that later.
So here's this little kid, sweet and funny but also seemingly-misunderstood, who has a lisp and a grudge. Oh, the identification. So I get the honor of watching this child turn into something that is absolutely remarkable. I get to watch her become an amazing person, right before my eyes, which must be deceiving me. I have had the honor of watching Cupcake become this sensitive, sarcastic (definitely a plus in the Ziemer Clan), sweet, gentle, creative, smart, knockout woman. She is truly remarkable. Truly. This kid says things that are way beyond her years, and has insight and intuition that most even semi-aware people would kill for. To see her and how she has become not only tolerant of but a fan of her sister - and to see how she is becoming her own person, how she and her sister are still amazing friends, but Cupcake has some of her OWN friends now, and has broken away from the "sidekick sister" shadow that she fell into at a young age... It is an amazing thing to have the privilege of witnessing. This kid and I have talked about some really deep and heavy stuff, and have also laughed and celebrated our own joys. Wow, as I write this, I'm reminded of just how much I miss these girls.
So the other one now... Lexus. Yeah, she'll love that. This girl was, at a young age, incredibly gifted with the soccer ball. And, also at a young age, she was beautiful. Of course, as her uncle, I was honored and proud to be amongst those genes... But wait, where the f*ck is mine??!
So the thing is, I could imagine that other little girls - without Lexus' field skills and stunning "California Blond" looks, probably couldn't stand her. But the thing is, I never saw that. And I believe I never saw it because she was - and still is - the sweetest kid I ever met. Perhaps the sweetest person I've ever met. Honestly, I hope to someday be as kind, patient and humble as this girl. It blows me away. Because of her dad - my brother - she inherited the sassy personality, quick and sharp humor, integrity and good sense (sadly, that's probably more him than me). Certainly because of her mom - as is the case with her sister - she got the patience, sensibility, reasoning, sweetness, hottie Norwegian tannable-skin, light eyes and blonde locks, and just overall "goodness", among other things. Again, I've had the honor of watching this girl go from an 87 Toyota Corolla into a 2011 Lexus. Horrible, I know, but I had to work that name in here.
One last anecdote on these two above... Last time I was in L.A. with the familia, I had the most amazing experience of dancing with my nieces in the living room one evening. Cupcake had broken her knee in a bad soccer spill just before I arrived, and we were hanging out over the holidays, kind of bored. I plugged my iPhone into their little boombox, and we proceeded to take over the living room, chasing their dad away to watch TV elsewhere, while I got to turn them on to awesome 80's grinds, amongst them Prince, Madonna, Big Country, Duran Duran, Joy Division, etc. That was something I'll cherish forever. Little Cupcake propped herself up on the couch, and was rolling her hair around, doing crazy things with her arms, and shaking both her functioning and gimp leg around. (Don't worry, she's since recovered, so I can call her a gimp - I did it then too.) We laughed so much, doing all of these crazy moves we were making up, and it was really a thrill for me, this guy who is becoming the kind of uncle that I could only hope to be to my own kids someday, if I'm so lucky.
So a big hug, smile and thank you to ALL of my nieces and nephews, especially the ones I've yet to meet, and very much so to those in Virginia who I can't wait to know more. And thanks to the parents - my brother and sister, and my s-in-law and b-in-law, who brought these morsels of happiness into my life. These are some big morsels, and I am reminded again that I just might be the luckiest guy around...
This week (3/27/11): Family
This week's topics will cover:
Sunday, 3/27: Nieces & Nephews
Monday, 3/28: Brothers
Tuesday, 3/29: Sisters
Wednesday, 3/30: Mom
Thursday, 3/31 & Friday, 4/1: Randomness...
Saturday, 4/2: Dad & Stepmom, Aunts & Uncles, Cousins & Grandparents, The Ziemer Extended Family
Sunday, 3/27: Nieces & Nephews
Monday, 3/28: Brothers
Tuesday, 3/29: Sisters
Wednesday, 3/30: Mom
Thursday, 3/31 & Friday, 4/1: Randomness...
Saturday, 4/2: Dad & Stepmom, Aunts & Uncles, Cousins & Grandparents, The Ziemer Extended Family
Th, 3/24; F, 3/25; Sat, 3/26: Being Sponsored, The 12 Steps, Drinking & Using
OK, so I missed a couple of entries, so I'm rolling them all into one here. Plus, my Wednesday entry was supposed to be on being sponsored, and I wrote on Thursday's topic instead by accident, so I'm covering that one here.
On being sponsored, I have been blessed to work with many men, and I am grateful today to have a sponsor who regularly calls me on my shit, provides gently and loving guidance with little or no judgment (at least that I hear about), and lives a pretty amazing life that is complex, busy and interesting, yet he still makes time for me.
I have had amazing sponsors too - I get to see some of them on a fairly regular basis. These specific 3 men that I see fairly often have set amazing examples, have shared some very private and powerful messages about their own experiences with me, and are friends today, which is great, because these are friends who know quite a bit more about me than others, and I can and do get a deeper perspective from them on some of my behaviors; it's up to me to use that in a positive way.
I have been fired by sponsors, and rightly so, for doing the same stupid shit over and over, lying by omission or just plain lying, etc. I've also walked away from sponsors who were consistently hypocrites (=dishonest), abusive or turned out to be dicks.
On the 12 steps, these things have pretty much saved my life. I'd like to talk a little bit about each one.
The first step really is the 100% step. Getting there is no fun, but it has to happen. It begins with alcohol, and if you're lucky - call me uber-lucky - you get to hit bottom with lots of other behaviors that are bi-products of character defects that still seem to work. I don't really know how you can effectively "work" the first step, other than having the shit beat out of you. And, in my book, that's what you want. So I recommend doing all that you need to before you dive into this thing, because it's terribly uncomfortable at times, and the only thing that may keep you in the process is the pain that brought you TO the process. That's how it's been for me... It takes what it takes.
The second step, for me, is really only feasible when I'm beaten. How could I ever possibly believe in something that can help me - some sort of Power Greater than myself, without acknowledging that my power is useless? Again, my experience is that readiness for a Loving God in my life has only come as a result of destroying it enough myself to try something so radical.
Step three is tricky, and for this alcoholic, I need to revisit and review my will and turning it over on a daily basis, a number of times throughout the day. A friend reminded me recently that you only take the 3rd step once, and that everything else is 11th step work, which from a semantics standpoint may be the case. However, I use that prayer many times throughout the day, as it helps me to remember that it's okay and actually awesome if I can do the work and walk away, since I really don't know what God has in store.
Step 4 is where the fun begins. If the fun is guilt, shame, fear and discomfort, then that's the step for you. Again, unless I'm beat, there's no fucking way I'm looking at that ugliness in an honest manner.
Step 5, for me, is where I first really felt like a Member of AA. The book talks about that, and it's my experience.
Step 6, again looking at the literature, does indeed separate the men from the boyz, or the grownups from the kiddies. Here's where I get to sit in that muck of my defects, and begin to ask my Creator to prepare me to let go of them. That's difficult for me, because in my mind, my character defects define my personality, and without them, I'm boring. Luckily, I get to surrender my ideas over and try something that seems to work a whole lot better.
The seventh step is REALLY where the fun begins. I finally get to ask God to take away those things which block me from being the kind of person I believe He'd have me be. It's fun, because I'm getting more engaged in this scary, surreal and boundless Relationship, and I get to actively watch and participate in stuff that's broken, and then, should I choose, do my end of the deal on changing that: stopping being a douche, and hopefully making a conscious effort to maintain that. God truly DOES make that possible. I'm actively in this step now, and it's a wonderful place.
The eighth step for me is plain and simple: I've done a variety of lists... I lean toward the 4-list idea a lot (Now, Later, Maybe, Never), but my new sponsor taught me a way that I like equally, which involves 3x5 cards, and similar categorizing. The cards are useful, physical tools to keep those amends in my face, because I'm likely to avoid them at all costs.
In the 9th step, I've had a pleathora of experiences: epic, painful, blah, you name it. What really matters for me is getting it done. Honestly, I still have a shitload of amends to make - I'd say 75% are done, but that still leaves a few dozen, mostly small financial ones. I just don't want to give the $ and in some cases ego and pride up, and I get to live with that discomfort until it's broken. God lets me do what I want, which is fantastic.
In step 10, I actively do an evening inventory that takes <1 minute. It involves a small notebook, jotting down where I've been selfish, dishonest, frightened and inconsiderate, The A column for apologies - do I owe any, the S column for secrets - am I keeping any - this is my biggest or one of my biggest character flaws, the % column for do I think of others or myself more (i.e., 80/20), and finally the "What did I do right today", which is touched on in the 10th step in the 12x12; I love to wallow in remorse and my shortcomings, and I really am useless to others in that shit.
The 11th step is a beautiful thing, and it wasn't always that way. I get to seek and know God in any and all available mediums, and they are endless. I get to fall, get hurt, and take those learnings into my spiritual practice. I get to listen more and talk less, to catch myself restraining tongue and pen, and to read wordy and foreign materials on the spiritual experiences of others, and it's wonderful. Most of my 11th step experience has been with a lot of trepidation, and I'm happy to report that today, I'm in with both feet, and the water is gorgeous.
Finally, the 12 step. What an amazing and undeserving gift I've gotten here. Because I am actively involved in my sobriety, I see some changes here and there. The changes are enough that I find myself seeking to be the kind of person I believe God wants me to be (kind, loving, considerate, patient, humble, willing, honest, etc.) during the other 23 hours of my day that I'm not in an AA meeting. I also get to do service of the Highest variety, which is beyond words. I get to literally watch men pick up their lives, to become useful, to help others... And to have even the smallest part in that is phenomenal. What an amazing thing. What a bitchen life!
Now, onto drinking & using... It stopped working for me, so I got sober.
:-D
On being sponsored, I have been blessed to work with many men, and I am grateful today to have a sponsor who regularly calls me on my shit, provides gently and loving guidance with little or no judgment (at least that I hear about), and lives a pretty amazing life that is complex, busy and interesting, yet he still makes time for me.
I have had amazing sponsors too - I get to see some of them on a fairly regular basis. These specific 3 men that I see fairly often have set amazing examples, have shared some very private and powerful messages about their own experiences with me, and are friends today, which is great, because these are friends who know quite a bit more about me than others, and I can and do get a deeper perspective from them on some of my behaviors; it's up to me to use that in a positive way.
I have been fired by sponsors, and rightly so, for doing the same stupid shit over and over, lying by omission or just plain lying, etc. I've also walked away from sponsors who were consistently hypocrites (=dishonest), abusive or turned out to be dicks.
On the 12 steps, these things have pretty much saved my life. I'd like to talk a little bit about each one.
The first step really is the 100% step. Getting there is no fun, but it has to happen. It begins with alcohol, and if you're lucky - call me uber-lucky - you get to hit bottom with lots of other behaviors that are bi-products of character defects that still seem to work. I don't really know how you can effectively "work" the first step, other than having the shit beat out of you. And, in my book, that's what you want. So I recommend doing all that you need to before you dive into this thing, because it's terribly uncomfortable at times, and the only thing that may keep you in the process is the pain that brought you TO the process. That's how it's been for me... It takes what it takes.
The second step, for me, is really only feasible when I'm beaten. How could I ever possibly believe in something that can help me - some sort of Power Greater than myself, without acknowledging that my power is useless? Again, my experience is that readiness for a Loving God in my life has only come as a result of destroying it enough myself to try something so radical.
Step three is tricky, and for this alcoholic, I need to revisit and review my will and turning it over on a daily basis, a number of times throughout the day. A friend reminded me recently that you only take the 3rd step once, and that everything else is 11th step work, which from a semantics standpoint may be the case. However, I use that prayer many times throughout the day, as it helps me to remember that it's okay and actually awesome if I can do the work and walk away, since I really don't know what God has in store.
Step 4 is where the fun begins. If the fun is guilt, shame, fear and discomfort, then that's the step for you. Again, unless I'm beat, there's no fucking way I'm looking at that ugliness in an honest manner.
Step 5, for me, is where I first really felt like a Member of AA. The book talks about that, and it's my experience.
Step 6, again looking at the literature, does indeed separate the men from the boyz, or the grownups from the kiddies. Here's where I get to sit in that muck of my defects, and begin to ask my Creator to prepare me to let go of them. That's difficult for me, because in my mind, my character defects define my personality, and without them, I'm boring. Luckily, I get to surrender my ideas over and try something that seems to work a whole lot better.
The seventh step is REALLY where the fun begins. I finally get to ask God to take away those things which block me from being the kind of person I believe He'd have me be. It's fun, because I'm getting more engaged in this scary, surreal and boundless Relationship, and I get to actively watch and participate in stuff that's broken, and then, should I choose, do my end of the deal on changing that: stopping being a douche, and hopefully making a conscious effort to maintain that. God truly DOES make that possible. I'm actively in this step now, and it's a wonderful place.
The eighth step for me is plain and simple: I've done a variety of lists... I lean toward the 4-list idea a lot (Now, Later, Maybe, Never), but my new sponsor taught me a way that I like equally, which involves 3x5 cards, and similar categorizing. The cards are useful, physical tools to keep those amends in my face, because I'm likely to avoid them at all costs.
In the 9th step, I've had a pleathora of experiences: epic, painful, blah, you name it. What really matters for me is getting it done. Honestly, I still have a shitload of amends to make - I'd say 75% are done, but that still leaves a few dozen, mostly small financial ones. I just don't want to give the $ and in some cases ego and pride up, and I get to live with that discomfort until it's broken. God lets me do what I want, which is fantastic.
In step 10, I actively do an evening inventory that takes <1 minute. It involves a small notebook, jotting down where I've been selfish, dishonest, frightened and inconsiderate, The A column for apologies - do I owe any, the S column for secrets - am I keeping any - this is my biggest or one of my biggest character flaws, the % column for do I think of others or myself more (i.e., 80/20), and finally the "What did I do right today", which is touched on in the 10th step in the 12x12; I love to wallow in remorse and my shortcomings, and I really am useless to others in that shit.
The 11th step is a beautiful thing, and it wasn't always that way. I get to seek and know God in any and all available mediums, and they are endless. I get to fall, get hurt, and take those learnings into my spiritual practice. I get to listen more and talk less, to catch myself restraining tongue and pen, and to read wordy and foreign materials on the spiritual experiences of others, and it's wonderful. Most of my 11th step experience has been with a lot of trepidation, and I'm happy to report that today, I'm in with both feet, and the water is gorgeous.
Finally, the 12 step. What an amazing and undeserving gift I've gotten here. Because I am actively involved in my sobriety, I see some changes here and there. The changes are enough that I find myself seeking to be the kind of person I believe God wants me to be (kind, loving, considerate, patient, humble, willing, honest, etc.) during the other 23 hours of my day that I'm not in an AA meeting. I also get to do service of the Highest variety, which is beyond words. I get to literally watch men pick up their lives, to become useful, to help others... And to have even the smallest part in that is phenomenal. What an amazing thing. What a bitchen life!
Now, onto drinking & using... It stopped working for me, so I got sober.
:-D
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wednesday, 3/23: Sponsorship
So I'm 14 1/2 years into this thing, and I've had the good fortune to sponsor quite a few men. I can honestly say that being a sponsor has not only been a privilege... It's kept me sober.
The way I sponsor today is nothing like it used to be. Because I myself have had something like 13 sponsors, I have a vast amount of experience on different ways to work the steps. And that doesn't include the 5 1/2 years of sobriety I had prior to this sobriety. All told, I've probably been sponsored by 20 men.
How I work steps with dudes has generally been consistent: out of the Big Book. In the past, there have been handouts - sometimes Joe & Charlie stuff, even some Hazelden-like anecdotes. I used to talk a lot of trash about the latter, and even the former... I've gone through long phases of self-righteousness, manifested from my own guilt, imperfection and far-too-frequent bouts of holier-than-thouness. These days, I keep things pretty simple.
What I really want to share with you is the absolute joy, occasional heartbreak, and frequent disappointment that comes with the honor we call being a sponsor. I have literally watched men pick up the pieces of their lives, get educations and careers, re-gain or even discover trust, love and warmth amongst family and friends. I have also watched lies and manipulation turn bad situations into unimaginable horror. The most-frequent observation, however, has been that of sadness... Sad that he won't give himself a chance, sad that he's not ready to really have those defects removed because he won't scribe those things on his 4th step that are killing him, sad that he wants to try it again on his own.
As someone who has relapsed a number of times, I know firsthand that it truly takes what it takes...
Today, I sponsor three amazing men. It is a joy and honor to consciously be a part of their lives; I am at a place where I can try to give unconditional love, can actively listen with intention, and, for the most part, share only my experience, that of friends and my own sponsor, and frequently go the The Book. As with many aspects of my life, this has mostly not been the case. I am full of pride, ego, and low self-esteem, and my life has been plagued with dishonesty and one-upmanship, opportunities to show how awesome I think I really am.
I do still think I'm a pretty decent guy. Today, however, I have a living relationship with a loving God, and I am able to carry that Presence into my time with sponsees and hopefully other AA's, unless they really piss me off and I have to punish them. Wait, did I just say that?
It is by pure grace that today, I am able to be the kind of sponsor that I'd want to have. It is of an even deeper level of grace that I get to try and help other men recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
The way I sponsor today is nothing like it used to be. Because I myself have had something like 13 sponsors, I have a vast amount of experience on different ways to work the steps. And that doesn't include the 5 1/2 years of sobriety I had prior to this sobriety. All told, I've probably been sponsored by 20 men.
How I work steps with dudes has generally been consistent: out of the Big Book. In the past, there have been handouts - sometimes Joe & Charlie stuff, even some Hazelden-like anecdotes. I used to talk a lot of trash about the latter, and even the former... I've gone through long phases of self-righteousness, manifested from my own guilt, imperfection and far-too-frequent bouts of holier-than-thouness. These days, I keep things pretty simple.
What I really want to share with you is the absolute joy, occasional heartbreak, and frequent disappointment that comes with the honor we call being a sponsor. I have literally watched men pick up the pieces of their lives, get educations and careers, re-gain or even discover trust, love and warmth amongst family and friends. I have also watched lies and manipulation turn bad situations into unimaginable horror. The most-frequent observation, however, has been that of sadness... Sad that he won't give himself a chance, sad that he's not ready to really have those defects removed because he won't scribe those things on his 4th step that are killing him, sad that he wants to try it again on his own.
As someone who has relapsed a number of times, I know firsthand that it truly takes what it takes...
Today, I sponsor three amazing men. It is a joy and honor to consciously be a part of their lives; I am at a place where I can try to give unconditional love, can actively listen with intention, and, for the most part, share only my experience, that of friends and my own sponsor, and frequently go the The Book. As with many aspects of my life, this has mostly not been the case. I am full of pride, ego, and low self-esteem, and my life has been plagued with dishonesty and one-upmanship, opportunities to show how awesome I think I really am.
I do still think I'm a pretty decent guy. Today, however, I have a living relationship with a loving God, and I am able to carry that Presence into my time with sponsees and hopefully other AA's, unless they really piss me off and I have to punish them. Wait, did I just say that?
It is by pure grace that today, I am able to be the kind of sponsor that I'd want to have. It is of an even deeper level of grace that I get to try and help other men recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tuesday, 3/22: Female Friends
Women are a really important part of my life. Up until a few years ago, they were nearly the only comrades I had. These days I like to believe I have a pretty healthy balance of male-to-female friends... Something like 85-15. Formerly, it was more like 5-95.
Being an extremist, I do the all-or-nothing really naturally... Don't even think about it. There were times when I decided I shouldn't have any lady friends. No good. I rely on women for a fundamental perspective on my life, my choices, and dating, among other things...
The fact is, I can easily lose my sensitivity, and get way too cold and "manly". I need to be around ladies to keep in touch with my own lightness, my intuition, my gentleness. It's okay to be a whole lot of things, and not just "man".
I'm realizing that this is probably a pretty stupid entry - please forgive. Kind of in a rush tonight.
In closing, my women friends rock. These days, I have 7 or 9 really close women friends, and they know who they are, because I tell them. Love you grrrrlzz!
Being an extremist, I do the all-or-nothing really naturally... Don't even think about it. There were times when I decided I shouldn't have any lady friends. No good. I rely on women for a fundamental perspective on my life, my choices, and dating, among other things...
The fact is, I can easily lose my sensitivity, and get way too cold and "manly". I need to be around ladies to keep in touch with my own lightness, my intuition, my gentleness. It's okay to be a whole lot of things, and not just "man".
I'm realizing that this is probably a pretty stupid entry - please forgive. Kind of in a rush tonight.
In closing, my women friends rock. These days, I have 7 or 9 really close women friends, and they know who they are, because I tell them. Love you grrrrlzz!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Monday, 3/21: Male Friends
So I'm doing today's entry earlier - I need to start doing this first thing in the morning, a la "Artist's Way", but this is a start. That 1 am stuff is not okay for this 41 year old man.
I have to tell you that I was raised by women, grew up with a very effeminate perspective on life, was the creative thezbian boy who got beat up by the jocks in Burbank, and cried at the drop of a dime. This persona works well with the ladies, and therefore my closest friends, up until 4-5 years ago, were always women. In fact, I ran from dudes, because they were cold, insensitive rocks of useless mass; women were soft, gentle, complex and creative... That's how it used to be.
Today my closest friends are men. Through sobriety, I have learned to open up and trust men, and have allowed myself to be vulnerable with them, while being emotionally-present for their needs.
One of the greatest things about this is the fact that I am heterosexual. The fact is, when I'm consoling with a lady, whether I choose to acknowledge it or am even aware, there's other stuff going on there... I don't feel the need to expound on that.
The other reason that having man-friends is that we have a much similar life experience. The fact is that, especially here in the bay area, the men I am close to are articulate, smart, funny, creative, sensitive and very inspirational. The ladies have these qualities too, but they also have breasts and vaginas, which will always be a distraction.
Men in AA have taught me a whole new way of trusting, opening up, receiving criticism, and most importantly, learning to actually BE a man. What that means to me is that I keep my word, I follow through, I am accountable for my actions, and I do everything I can to try and live in God's image. Men in my life have guided and held me when I felt and acted broken, and they've celebrated my fortunes. And it's because I've let them. And THAT's because I'm actively involved in my own recovery.
Word!
I have to tell you that I was raised by women, grew up with a very effeminate perspective on life, was the creative thezbian boy who got beat up by the jocks in Burbank, and cried at the drop of a dime. This persona works well with the ladies, and therefore my closest friends, up until 4-5 years ago, were always women. In fact, I ran from dudes, because they were cold, insensitive rocks of useless mass; women were soft, gentle, complex and creative... That's how it used to be.
Today my closest friends are men. Through sobriety, I have learned to open up and trust men, and have allowed myself to be vulnerable with them, while being emotionally-present for their needs.
One of the greatest things about this is the fact that I am heterosexual. The fact is, when I'm consoling with a lady, whether I choose to acknowledge it or am even aware, there's other stuff going on there... I don't feel the need to expound on that.
The other reason that having man-friends is that we have a much similar life experience. The fact is that, especially here in the bay area, the men I am close to are articulate, smart, funny, creative, sensitive and very inspirational. The ladies have these qualities too, but they also have breasts and vaginas, which will always be a distraction.
Men in AA have taught me a whole new way of trusting, opening up, receiving criticism, and most importantly, learning to actually BE a man. What that means to me is that I keep my word, I follow through, I am accountable for my actions, and I do everything I can to try and live in God's image. Men in my life have guided and held me when I felt and acted broken, and they've celebrated my fortunes. And it's because I've let them. And THAT's because I'm actively involved in my own recovery.
Word!
Sunday, 3/20: Sobriety
OK, this is the motherload. Luckily, I have all week to expound.
So yeah, sobriety is a huge part of my life, who I am, who I aspire to be, and how I live. It wasn't always this way... But that's for another week.
So here's how I've been doing this thing for a little while now:
Thanks again for reading about my life, and sharing my journey.
So yeah, sobriety is a huge part of my life, who I am, who I aspire to be, and how I live. It wasn't always this way... But that's for another week.
So here's how I've been doing this thing for a little while now:
- 4-6 AA meetings per week, 2 of which are men's meetings, and not coincidentally, usually the best.
- My homegroup is Men's Single Topic, Tuesday nights, MacArthur & Coolidge, 8 pm. More on MST below.
- Most of my closest friends are dudes. This is still pretty new for me - maybe the past 3 or 4 years. Without a doubt, this has revolutionized my life. I love my female friends, and value who they are, and the incredible lives they live that inspire me. I also am a heterosexual man, and most of my women friends are attractive. So you can hopefully see how there might be some conflict there. I'm not physically attracted to men, so when I hang out with them, I'm never thinking about - well - naughty stuff. Frequently talking about it, yes, but not fantasizing about it. And that makes for a more genuine and transparent lifestyle. And it rocks... Did I mention that at all yet?
- I pray pretty regularly, but rarely on my knees. My relationship with God has evolved into something that feels real and constant, which is bitchen. I pray in the elevator at work, at my desk, while I'm cuddling with the cats, as I'm crawling into bed, as I'm crawling out of bed, when I'm sitting and actively-participating in some phenomenal AA event, like the huge 2600-person speaker meeting at ACYPAA last night in Burlingame, where a host of newcomers got Big Books from a crusty oldtimer. That's some beautiful stuff, and no money or glamor could muck it up.
- I sponsor other men. I take their phone calls always (not always the case), I share openly with them on my flaws, my fears, and my mistakes, as well as my overcoming adversity, faith, experience, and sometimes suggestions based on other people's experiences, when appropriate. And I always, whenever possible, reference the Big Book.
- I allow myself to be sponsored. That means I call my sponsor daily, I take his direction seriously, and I have deep admiration and respect for him, his family life, his work ethic, and the way he sponsors his oodles of sponsees.
- I call other men regularly, and take their calls. I listen to them and often times take their suggestions.
- I try to carry a message of recovery at AA meetings. I never "check in" and stick to the topic. Sometimes, I even pass, because I talk way too much. Still working on that one...
- I fellowhip. I go to coffee, meals, host get-togethers with sober people, attend parties and events, and hang out with friends who are celebrating, mourning and struggling. Pretty much rocks.
- I am actively doing stepwork. Right now, my focus is really on 6 & 7, which is really the meat & potatoes of sobriety. My character defects mostly run my life, and I am NOT powerless over them. Essentially, I can choose to live in the problem or the solution at any given time.
- I have service commitments at ALL TIMES. Currently, I am a secretary every other Friday night at Lakeshore Lushes, and I do the phone list at my homegroup, MST.
- I practice the Golden Rule as much as possible. I try to really heed the idea that this world is full of people who are sick like me, and it's my responsibility to treat them the way I'd like to be treated.
- I open doors for people, let everyone else in and out of the elevator before me, I rescue bugs that are vulnerable on the sidewalk and other places, I am kind to people even if they are douchebags - most of the time, and I generally keep my mouth shut when I have bad things to say.
- I live a life that is almost entirely transparent - maybe 95%. That, to me, is fucking amazing. It's really a result of active engagement in my life, being present for myself and others, seeking authenticity as an action vs. an idea or concept, and practicing honesty, humility and patience. Yeah, it rocks.
- I will go to any lengths to help someone who is suffering, especially but not at all limited to fellow alkies. Certainly not the guy I've been for the vast majority of my life.
- I practice love and tolerance, mostly by staying out of other people's business.
- I do my best to recognize this and all moments as God's Will, because, well, here it is. That means I'm going to great lengths to avoid making big changes when I'm uncomfortable or restless. And when I want to take drastic measures, I run it by other men. Which usually means I don't take drastic measures, and instead get to trudge through the pain, which always passes. I'm just now learning, after 14 1/2 years, that the path of least resistance is walking through the resistance.
- I still gossip a lot. I seek and provoke gossip from others, to help justify my behavior.
- My relationship with God needs work. I'd like to have a regular, consistent prayer schedule, and to make time for that.
- I don't meditate at all, except for once or twice a month in my men's 10th step group, where I'm forced to sit with my crap and get all squirmy. When I have practiced meditation in the past, the rewards, athough slow in reciprication, are bountiful.
- I am lazy. I sleep too little, stay in bed too long in the morning, and am usually late for work.
- I spend too much time at work doing personal stuff - internet dating, texting, checking and responding to email, etc.
- I still make conscious decisions that I know are based on self and will cause harm to myself and/or others.
- I exercise irregularly, even though I love how I feel when I do it.
- My diet is fairly spotty, but has improved overall.
- I stay up way too late most nights - look here, it's Sunday night / Monday morning, and I'm up all late talking about myself...
- I am still pretty dishonest. I lie mostly about stupid shit... Things I know how to cook but don't, things I need to do but don't need to do because I don't want to do something else, people at work who I want to blame when I don't want to be accountable for my flaws, etc. Actually, some of this is pretty serious. Hopefully, my sponsor doesn't read this...
- I still seek sordid places and behaviors, even though they are high-risk and just plain bad... Going to AA meetings that are chock full of hotties, looking at stuff on the internet that is naughty, eating foods that cause me shame, reading recipes for cocktails in magazines and wine/beer/liquor/cocktail menus at restaurants, reading articles in print about liquor, pot, etc., and just generally dancing with King Alcohol... The Liquor Lambada.
- I still enjoy my war stories way too much, and frequently "embellish" (=lie) about my past deeds, because I love being a big shot.
Thanks again for reading about my life, and sharing my journey.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Blogging Subjects for the Week of March 20, 2011
For the week of March 20, 2011, Sobriety, I'll go with these topics:
Sunday, 3/20: Sobriety
Monday, 3/21: Male friends
Tuesday, 3/22: Female friends
Wednesday, 3/23: Experience with sponsorship
Thursday, 3/24: Sponsees
Friday, 3/25: The 12 steps
Saturday, 3/26: Drinking & using
What do you think of this, faithful reader? I really want to know what you think of my topics, and especially what you think of ME!!!
Sunday, 3/20: Sobriety
Monday, 3/21: Male friends
Tuesday, 3/22: Female friends
Wednesday, 3/23: Experience with sponsorship
Thursday, 3/24: Sponsees
Friday, 3/25: The 12 steps
Saturday, 3/26: Drinking & using
What do you think of this, faithful reader? I really want to know what you think of my topics, and especially what you think of ME!!!
Welcome!
So I decided to write about how unbelievably amazing my life is. And this would be the medium.
Of course, it's Sunday night, 11:18 pm, and I get up at 7 am for work, so I'm probably gonna keep it pretty short. Or at least try.
I'll try and post new stuff each night, and I want to write about new bitchenosity each evening, because there's just so much incredible stuff that I could write forever.
Here are some hopeful weekly themes:
3/20: Sobriety
3/27: Family
4/3: Friends
4/10: Work
4/17: Home
4/24: The Past
5/1: The Future (careful!)
5/8: Creativity
5/15: Serious Week
5/22: Inappropriate Week
5/29: Pets
That should keep me busy! Any requests, thoughts, objections or resentments are welcome. I promise to not use your names, and will do my best to keep things on the general tip.
Before I begin my inaugural blog, let me say "thank you" to you for reading about my life. Te fact that you're reading this means you're most likely someone who means a great deal to me, and I am incredibly grateful for that.
Although this does serve as self-flatulence and hamming-up my writing skillz and such, it's mostly an homage to the people and stuff in my life who have helped to shape and inspire me to be the kind of person I believe God wants me to be.
It's also a great way for me to go back and remember how bitchen my life really is, when I get stuck in the monotony and lack of gratitude that frequently besieges me.
:-)
Of course, it's Sunday night, 11:18 pm, and I get up at 7 am for work, so I'm probably gonna keep it pretty short. Or at least try.
I'll try and post new stuff each night, and I want to write about new bitchenosity each evening, because there's just so much incredible stuff that I could write forever.
Here are some hopeful weekly themes:
3/20: Sobriety
3/27: Family
4/3: Friends
4/10: Work
4/17: Home
4/24: The Past
5/1: The Future (careful!)
5/8: Creativity
5/15: Serious Week
5/22: Inappropriate Week
5/29: Pets
That should keep me busy! Any requests, thoughts, objections or resentments are welcome. I promise to not use your names, and will do my best to keep things on the general tip.
Before I begin my inaugural blog, let me say "thank you" to you for reading about my life. Te fact that you're reading this means you're most likely someone who means a great deal to me, and I am incredibly grateful for that.
Although this does serve as self-flatulence and hamming-up my writing skillz and such, it's mostly an homage to the people and stuff in my life who have helped to shape and inspire me to be the kind of person I believe God wants me to be.
It's also a great way for me to go back and remember how bitchen my life really is, when I get stuck in the monotony and lack of gratitude that frequently besieges me.
:-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)