OK, so I missed a couple of entries, so I'm rolling them all into one here. Plus, my Wednesday entry was supposed to be on being sponsored, and I wrote on Thursday's topic instead by accident, so I'm covering that one here.
On being sponsored, I have been blessed to work with many men, and I am grateful today to have a sponsor who regularly calls me on my shit, provides gently and loving guidance with little or no judgment (at least that I hear about), and lives a pretty amazing life that is complex, busy and interesting, yet he still makes time for me.
I have had amazing sponsors too - I get to see some of them on a fairly regular basis. These specific 3 men that I see fairly often have set amazing examples, have shared some very private and powerful messages about their own experiences with me, and are friends today, which is great, because these are friends who know quite a bit more about me than others, and I can and do get a deeper perspective from them on some of my behaviors; it's up to me to use that in a positive way.
I have been fired by sponsors, and rightly so, for doing the same stupid shit over and over, lying by omission or just plain lying, etc. I've also walked away from sponsors who were consistently hypocrites (=dishonest), abusive or turned out to be dicks.
On the 12 steps, these things have pretty much saved my life. I'd like to talk a little bit about each one.
The first step really is the 100% step. Getting there is no fun, but it has to happen. It begins with alcohol, and if you're lucky - call me uber-lucky - you get to hit bottom with lots of other behaviors that are bi-products of character defects that still seem to work. I don't really know how you can effectively "work" the first step, other than having the shit beat out of you. And, in my book, that's what you want. So I recommend doing all that you need to before you dive into this thing, because it's terribly uncomfortable at times, and the only thing that may keep you in the process is the pain that brought you TO the process. That's how it's been for me... It takes what it takes.
The second step, for me, is really only feasible when I'm beaten. How could I ever possibly believe in something that can help me - some sort of Power Greater than myself, without acknowledging that my power is useless? Again, my experience is that readiness for a Loving God in my life has only come as a result of destroying it enough myself to try something so radical.
Step three is tricky, and for this alcoholic, I need to revisit and review my will and turning it over on a daily basis, a number of times throughout the day. A friend reminded me recently that you only take the 3rd step once, and that everything else is 11th step work, which from a semantics standpoint may be the case. However, I use that prayer many times throughout the day, as it helps me to remember that it's okay and actually awesome if I can do the work and walk away, since I really don't know what God has in store.
Step 4 is where the fun begins. If the fun is guilt, shame, fear and discomfort, then that's the step for you. Again, unless I'm beat, there's no fucking way I'm looking at that ugliness in an honest manner.
Step 5, for me, is where I first really felt like a Member of AA. The book talks about that, and it's my experience.
Step 6, again looking at the literature, does indeed separate the men from the boyz, or the grownups from the kiddies. Here's where I get to sit in that muck of my defects, and begin to ask my Creator to prepare me to let go of them. That's difficult for me, because in my mind, my character defects define my personality, and without them, I'm boring. Luckily, I get to surrender my ideas over and try something that seems to work a whole lot better.
The seventh step is REALLY where the fun begins. I finally get to ask God to take away those things which block me from being the kind of person I believe He'd have me be. It's fun, because I'm getting more engaged in this scary, surreal and boundless Relationship, and I get to actively watch and participate in stuff that's broken, and then, should I choose, do my end of the deal on changing that: stopping being a douche, and hopefully making a conscious effort to maintain that. God truly DOES make that possible. I'm actively in this step now, and it's a wonderful place.
The eighth step for me is plain and simple: I've done a variety of lists... I lean toward the 4-list idea a lot (Now, Later, Maybe, Never), but my new sponsor taught me a way that I like equally, which involves 3x5 cards, and similar categorizing. The cards are useful, physical tools to keep those amends in my face, because I'm likely to avoid them at all costs.
In the 9th step, I've had a pleathora of experiences: epic, painful, blah, you name it. What really matters for me is getting it done. Honestly, I still have a shitload of amends to make - I'd say 75% are done, but that still leaves a few dozen, mostly small financial ones. I just don't want to give the $ and in some cases ego and pride up, and I get to live with that discomfort until it's broken. God lets me do what I want, which is fantastic.
In step 10, I actively do an evening inventory that takes <1 minute. It involves a small notebook, jotting down where I've been selfish, dishonest, frightened and inconsiderate, The A column for apologies - do I owe any, the S column for secrets - am I keeping any - this is my biggest or one of my biggest character flaws, the % column for do I think of others or myself more (i.e., 80/20), and finally the "What did I do right today", which is touched on in the 10th step in the 12x12; I love to wallow in remorse and my shortcomings, and I really am useless to others in that shit.
The 11th step is a beautiful thing, and it wasn't always that way. I get to seek and know God in any and all available mediums, and they are endless. I get to fall, get hurt, and take those learnings into my spiritual practice. I get to listen more and talk less, to catch myself restraining tongue and pen, and to read wordy and foreign materials on the spiritual experiences of others, and it's wonderful. Most of my 11th step experience has been with a lot of trepidation, and I'm happy to report that today, I'm in with both feet, and the water is gorgeous.
Finally, the 12 step. What an amazing and undeserving gift I've gotten here. Because I am actively involved in my sobriety, I see some changes here and there. The changes are enough that I find myself seeking to be the kind of person I believe God wants me to be (kind, loving, considerate, patient, humble, willing, honest, etc.) during the other 23 hours of my day that I'm not in an AA meeting. I also get to do service of the Highest variety, which is beyond words. I get to literally watch men pick up their lives, to become useful, to help others... And to have even the smallest part in that is phenomenal. What an amazing thing. What a bitchen life!
Now, onto drinking & using... It stopped working for me, so I got sober.
:-D
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