Sunday, 3/20: Sobriety

OK, this is the motherload. Luckily, I have all week to expound.

So yeah, sobriety is a huge part of my life, who I am, who I aspire to be, and how I live. It wasn't always this way... But that's for another week.

So here's how I've been doing this thing for a little while now:

• 4-6 AA meetings per week, 2 of which are men's meetings, and not coincidentally, usually the best.
• My homegroup is Men's Single Topic, Tuesday nights, MacArthur & Coolidge, 8 pm. More on MST below.
• Most of my closest friends are dudes. This is still pretty new for me - maybe the past 3 or 4 years. Without a doubt, this has revolutionized my life. I love my female friends, and value who they are, and the incredible lives they live that inspire me. I also am a heterosexual man, and most of my women friends are attractive. So you can hopefully see how there might be some conflict there. I'm not physically attracted to men, so when I hang out with them, I'm never thinking about - well - naughty stuff. Frequently talking about it, yes, but not fantasizing about it. And that makes for a more genuine and transparent lifestyle. And it rocks... Did I mention that at all yet?
• I pray pretty regularly, but rarely on my knees. My relationship with God has evolved into something that feels real and constant, which is bitchen. I pray in the elevator at work, at my desk, while I'm cuddling with the cats, as I'm crawling into bed, as I'm crawling out of bed, when I'm sitting and actively-participating in some phenomenal AA event, like the huge 2600-person speaker meeting at ACYPAA last night in Burlingame, where a host of newcomers got Big Books from a crusty oldtimer. That's some beautiful stuff, and no money or glamor could muck it up.
• I sponsor other men. I take their phone calls always (not always the case), I share openly with them on my flaws, my fears, and my mistakes, as well as my overcoming adversity, faith, experience, and sometimes suggestions based on other people's experiences, when appropriate. And I always, whenever possible, reference the Big Book.
• I allow myself to be sponsored. That means I call my sponsor daily, I take his direction seriously, and I have deep admiration and respect for him, his family life, his work ethic, and the way he sponsors his oodles of sponsees.
• I call other men regularly, and take their calls. I listen to them and often times take their suggestions.
• I try to carry a message of recovery at AA meetings. I never "check in" and stick to the topic. Sometimes, I even pass, because I talk way too much. Still working on that one...
• I fellowhip. I go to coffee, meals, host get-togethers with sober people, attend parties and events, and hang out with friends who are celebrating, mourning and struggling. Pretty much rocks.
• I am actively doing stepwork. Right now, my focus is really on 6 & 7, which is really the meat & potatoes of sobriety. My character defects mostly run my life, and I am NOT powerless over them. Essentially, I can choose to live in the problem or the solution at any given time.
• I have service commitments at ALL TIMES. Currently, I am a secretary every other Friday night at Lakeshore Lushes, and I do the phone list at my homegroup, MST.
• I practice the Golden Rule as much as possible. I try to really heed the idea that this world is full of people who are sick like me, and it's my responsibility to treat them the way I'd like to be treated. 
• I open doors for people, let everyone else in and out of the elevator before me, I rescue bugs that are vulnerable on the sidewalk and other places, I am kind to people even if they are douchebags - most of the time, and I generally keep my mouth shut when I have bad things to say.
• I live a life that is almost entirely transparent - maybe 95%. That, to me, is fucking amazing. It's really a result of active engagement in my life, being present for myself and others, seeking authenticity as an action vs. an idea or concept, and practicing honesty, humility and patience. Yeah, it rocks.
• I will go to any lengths to help someone who is suffering, especially but not at all limited to fellow alkies. Certainly not the guy I've been for the vast majority of my life.
• I practice love and tolerance, mostly by staying out of other people's business.
• I do my best to recognize this and all moments as God's Will, because, well, here it is. That means I'm going to great lengths to avoid making big changes when I'm uncomfortable or restless. And when I want to take drastic measures, I run it by other men. Which usually means I don't take drastic measures, and instead get to trudge through the pain, which always passes. I'm just now learning, after 14 1/2 years, that the path of least resistance is walking through the resistance.

So now the dark stuff, areas needing improvement, etc.

• I still gossip a lot. I seek and provoke gossip from others, to help justify my behavior.
• My relationship with God needs work. I'd like to have a regular, consistent prayer schedule, and to make time for that.
• I don't meditate at all, except for once or twice a month in my men's 10th step group, where I'm forced to sit with my crap and get all squirmy. When I have practiced meditation in the past, the rewards, athough slow in reciprication, are bountiful.
• I am lazy. I sleep too little, stay in bed too long in the morning, and am usually late for work.
• I spend too much time at work doing personal stuff - internet dating, texting, checking and responding to email, etc.
• I still make conscious decisions that I know are based on self and will cause harm to myself and/or others.
• I exercise irregularly, even though I love how I feel when I do it.
• My diet is fairly spotty, but has improved overall.
• I stay up way too late most nights - look here, it's Sunday night / Monday morning, and I'm up all late talking about myself...
• I am still pretty dishonest. I lie mostly about stupid shit... Things I know how to cook but don't, things I need to do but don't need to do because I don't want to do something else, people at work who I want to blame when I don't want to be accountable for my flaws, etc. Actually, some of this is pretty serious. Hopefully, my sponsor doesn't read this...
• I still seek sordid places and behaviors, even though they are high-risk and just plain bad... Going to AA meetings that are chock full of hotties, looking at stuff on the internet that is naughty, eating foods that cause me shame, reading recipes for cocktails in magazines and wine/beer/liquor/cocktail menus at restaurants, reading articles in print about liquor, pot, etc., and just generally dancing with King Alcohol... The Liquor Lambada.
• I still enjoy my war stories way too much, and frequently "embellish" (=lie) about my past deeds, because I love being a big shot.

That should do it for now.

Thanks again for reading about my life, and sharing my journey.